The Confidence Gap Between Men and Women: A Truth We Need to Talk About

There’s one difference between men and women that I’ve seen everywhere - in work, relationships, even friendships, and it’s time we talk about it: confidence.

Yes, I’m generalising. But that’s kind of the point.

Because in 38 years of life, I’ve seen it play out over and over.

Most men overestimate their abilities. Most women underestimate theirs.
And I’m not just talking about work, I mean everywhere.

The Gym Class That Said It All

An old boyfriend and I were signing up for one of those intense gym classes - the kind that leaves you gasping on the floor after 45 minutes of burpees and lunges.

I was quietly wondering if I’d survive it.

He, on the other hand, didn’t even question whether he could do it. Not even for a second.
“Easy,” he said.

The irony? I knew I was fitter than him. But I still second guessed myself. I didn’t want to seem cocky. I didn’t want to be wrong. Meanwhile, he spoke with full confidence, despite having no reason to.

We did the class.

I smashed it.
He barely made it through – red faced, dripping in sweat, wrecked. And what did he say after?

“Feel great. Found it easy. Saw you struggling a bit toward the end - did you find it hard?”

I was stunned. Me? Struggling? The man could barely stand.
But here’s the thing: he wasn’t lying.

He genuinely believed he did well.
And in that moment, I realised something:

His confidence, even if completely unfounded, was working for him.

So, What’s Really Going On?

Why can men hold that kind of belief so easily?
And why do so many women (myself included) automatically shrink, second guess, and soften our edges?

Because confidence isn’t just personality, it’s programming.

From the time we’re kids, boys are told:
“You’re strong.” “You’re clever.” “You’re brave.”

Girls are told:
“You’re sweet.” “You’re pretty.” “You’re kind.”

Different messages. Different expectations. Different inner voices . Shaped before we’re even aware they exist.

But here’s the part we need to remember:
If confidence can be programmed, it can be reprogrammed too.

Reclaiming Your Confidence

Since that gym class moment, I’ve started to notice my own internal voice - and challenge it.

Yes, I still feel doubt. Yes, I still hesitate.
But now, I remind myself:

• I don’t need to be the best to show up.

• I don’t need to be perfect to participate.

• I don’t need to prove anything to deserve being here.

So what if I struggle? So what if I’m not instantly amazing?
That doesn’t mean I’m not capable. And it definitely doesn’t mean I should hold back.

Final Thought

The goal isn’t to “be more like men.”
The goal is to stop underestimating ourselves.

Confidence isn’t loud.
It’s not arrogance.
It’s a quiet, steady belief that you can do hard things. Even when you’re unsure.

So yes, you can do the thing.
Go do it.
And own it.